Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
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Wedding planning is organized crime.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
there has never been a better use of this meme
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.