[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
You Might Also Like
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick