“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
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Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said