[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
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Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them