I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
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I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Storm Tropical Storm
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
the answer was staring at me all along
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
True statement👍😏😁
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog