Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
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*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him