*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
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Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.