Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
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There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Body by Oreos
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
incredible text to wake up to
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.