Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
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Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham