My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
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People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
“HELP WITH CAT”
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
I am crying
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.