I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
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Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.