*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
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craving $300 all of a sudden
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Customize Your Wedding.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.