*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
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Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
In case you needed to hear it:
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying