Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
You Might Also Like
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?