her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
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Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit