[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
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Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
😏😏😏
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
RT if you know someone like this!!!
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Does anything good ever escape from a lab