Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
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There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Support your local cemetery
absolutely not
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]