If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
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Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
A ghost story
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.