dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
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Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Aaaa…CHOO!
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.