Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
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Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.