They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
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“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
It be like that sometimes 😆
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !