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Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.