Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
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I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.