My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
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Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!