Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
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a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
not to brag, but mine was free
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂