I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
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I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
lmfao
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
No Google it does not
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
and now we wait
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football