12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
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[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??