I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
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My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
HR said no more nunchucks.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
He took my last fry, your honor
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
If only.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
#Caturday
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?