cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
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The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
my mom making me talk to relatives
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
all bases covered
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.