A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
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Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?