While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
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Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
“you recording!?”
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too