13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
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uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Happy Star Wars day!
no regrets
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.