me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
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Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.