If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
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Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
accurate
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
an octopus is just a wet spider
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.