HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
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[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…