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I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
I’d rather fork than spoon.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.