I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
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[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.