So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
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Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
gm
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Order here:
More here:
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now