It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
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My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Admin smashed it 😂
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
✌️
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh