ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
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Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”