(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
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my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
“I wouldn’t.”
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it