*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
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[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww