wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
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Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.