me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
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TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Pandas 🐼🖤
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably