Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
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BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.