Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
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He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
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Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.