[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
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[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Just how popey was the pope today?
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.