Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
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them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.