ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
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My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.