Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
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ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
I’m listening
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
me linking you to my twitter
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop